mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
