Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize