one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
COCAINE IS GR8
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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