I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
