1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
