Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
