The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
