hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
