are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
How does one acquire holy water?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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