she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
