I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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