Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
