genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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