Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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