I cannot find my penis.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
