I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My ass is underappreciated
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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