why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
