I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
