the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
