This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
