My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
