You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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