I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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