just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
