I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The uberlube is also flammable
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize