Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize