Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
