god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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