I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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