these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
