i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
