Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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