I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
