So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
