I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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