I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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