i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
