Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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