I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
