I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize