i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
