i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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