you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
