Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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