apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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