Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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