I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
