I showed him my bush... on skype.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
