One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
