I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
