Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
