I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
