I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
