This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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