I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
