I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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