Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
