Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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